This week, I continued my theme about how words matter, and how the words we use and the subtle differences in our language can make a big difference in the way people perceive what we are saying. One of my favorites is how a listener responds to what someone is telling them.
In my past, I had the opportunity to speak with a lot of potential investors and analysts. I was always keenly aware of how they were reacting to the message I was delivering. There I was, trying to convey our unique value proposition, and I was looking for validation from my audience that they were with me. In most cases, our business and our competitive market was new to them, so we started with basics and background info, and built the message to differentiate our approach from that of our competitors. In other words, I was speaking to smart people who did not know much about the world I lived in every day, but they were curious enough to spend some time with me.
The language of the listeners and my reactions started to follow a pattern that made me recognize one of those subtle difference in speech that can change the dynamic of the interaction. Early in the presentation, some listeners would say “I understand,” while others would say “that makes sense.” ‘I understand’ is a confirmation that they heard what was said, without an affirmation of agreement or support. ‘That makes sense’ is an indication that the listener sees the logic of the point.
If we stop there, you would assume I preferred to hear “that makes sense.” In fact, surprise, I generally found it very annoying and condescending. Telling someone that they make sense sounds like the listener is validating the intelligence of the speaker. I knew what I said made sense, otherwise why would I say it? I was not asking for them to validate that I was a rational speaker. Rather, I was looking for confirmation that the message was received and understood so we could engage in further dialog. The statement "that makes sense" came across as judgmental, instead of positive and encouraging.
I preferred interactions that started with ‘I understand’ responses, which typically led to dialog and discussion. ‘I understand’ is an opening for an active listener to begin probing and exploring a topic. It is step one in a real conversation.
If you translate the impact of a ‘that makes sense’ response to the sales world, consider how a prospect will react to a sales person telling the prospect that they ‘make sense.’ The salesperson is trying to build rapport and probe for opportunity. They are conducting a discovery call with a prospect, and the prospect is explaining their situation and their needs. The prospect wants to know that the salesperson understands and empathizes with their situation. Telling the prospect that they ‘make sense’ is actually pretty offensive. One of the key tools of active listening is called Reflective Listening. The listener responds to a statement by saying back what they heard, in their own words, and asking for confirmation that they got it right: “Let me make sure I understand. I think what you said is xxx, is that correct.” It is a powerful door opener. By contrast, telling someone they make sense is not going to open the same door. It does not convey that the listener is in the conversation. It merely acknowledges the logic of the statement.
Words matter, even when the differences are subtle. Focus on how the listener is going to perceive the words you use. Are you joining them on their side of the table, or are you remaining at arms length on your side? Are you subtly offending them, or are you honestly engaging with them? It just ‘makes sense.’