Active listening is a technique to develop the best possible sense of the SPEAKER’s frame of reference while avoiding the temptation to respond from the LISTENER’s frame of reference. The goal is to Learn something you can use later, to ensure you truly hear and respond to the ‘real’ message, and to evoke candor from the speaker.
Active listening has four primary tenets: Being Present, Empathic Listening, Reflective Listening, and Candor. Used in combination, the listener can explore and probe the speaker’s message to fully grasp the meaning before responding in a manner that may: derail or divert the speaker’s agenda, create an environment that causes the speaker to shut-down, or create unnecessary disagreement or distance.
Being Present starts with basic politeness. When someone is speaking, pay attention. No texting, or email surfing, or side conversations. Being Present requires attentiveness and eye contact. Your objective is to convey to the speaker that you care about what they are saying, and you are ‘present’ in the conversation. The guidelines are to ‘listen’, ‘focus’, ‘learn’. Avoid being distracted formulating your next comment. You will appear to be disinterested and just waiting for the speaker to take a breath so you can jump in. Body language matters; you want to be forward and open.
If you have relevant experiences, you can provide feedback in the form of ‘Empathic Listening.’ Without dominating the conversation or hijacking it to be about you, you can share your relevant experiences, anecdotes and stories to demonstrate understanding and to confirm that you are following their thread.
This is also a way to provide ‘I’m listening’ cues such as: "I follow you…", "I know what you mean…", "That’s exactly how I felt…". These statements confirm back to the speaker that you grasped their message, but you are not necessarily acknowledging that you agree with their conclusions. You can still reserve your disagreement until you have fully mined what the speaker has to say. That is the power of active listening, you draw out all of the speaker’s points so that if you ultimately disagree it is founded on a basis of full understanding and not a snap reaction.
Reflective Listening is what most people think about when they describe Active Listening. Reflective Listening, as the name implies, is when the listener, in their own words, essentially repeats what the speaker has said, and asks for confirmation. The idea is to use your words to clarify and restate what the other person is saying so that you can ensure you understood it. You want to respond in a way that encourages the speaker to further clarify, and build on their thoughts so you can explore deeper. These are not judgmental statements or leading questions. As the listener you will say something like “I think you said ______, is that correct?” If you can do so without leading the speaker, you may follow with a trial conclusion such as “…does that mean ____”.
The one word to avoid during Reflective Listening is “Why” as in “why do you think that?” It is a challenge to the speaker to justify what they said, and can cause them to shut-down or back off. Phrases like “tell me more about ______”, or “that is interesting, tell me how that impacts you” get to the root of the same question, but leave the dialog open.
Candor evokes candor. The more you come out from behind your shield, the more open the speaker will become. People know when a listener is holding back or being skeptical. The more honest and candid the listener is, the more honest and candid the speaker will become.
Speakers often use vague generalities like “most people believe…”, or “I have heard others say…”. These are less than candid comments, and the active listener needs to draw out candor by challenging the speaker to “be more specific”, or “say more about that…” This is the place for open-ended questions, never a question with a yes/no answer.
A Few Guidelines For Active Listening:
1. Don’t pretend to understand. If you get lost, say so. It will let the speaker know you truly want to understand what they are saying. It is a good opportunity for Reflective Listening. They will say more.
2. Don’t respond with your view until you have to do so. The longer you can keep probing and causing the speaker to provide information, the better informed your response will be. At the same time, don’t overdo active listening. At some point it just becomes annoying.
3. Pay attention to the speaker’s and your non-verbal cues. Body language can contradict the spoken words, and you need to be sensitive to the vibe.
4. Silence will typically draw out more information. Speakers abhor silence and will generally rush to fill the gap. Be patient – take small steps.
